Less than 10 days the year is gone. The decade is gone.
Looking back to the past year, it pretty much mirrored to the entire decade.
Starting off with misery but ended up “making a comeback”.
I came out in 2001. Everything changed. Changed dramatically. Changed to the point that I once questioned myself if it was the right decision.
It was a heartache. The pain beyond anyone could’ve imagine. In fact the heart were broken into tiny pieces and being blown away like dust by wind. I wasn’t myself. Everyone who you thought is your family or friend…..turned their backs on you. betrayal. And I can’t find myself.
The next few years has been the lowest point of my life. I can’t even think if there will ever be anything in my life that can go even lower than that.
When I was little, I watched a tv drama. A kid who has autism. He lives in his own world. And I thought that was cool. I wanted to be like that. Few years after, it did. Although it wasn’t a real typical autism, but the way of my life was pretty much no different to that. I first built a wall. Once the wall was up, I but another. Once I built 4 of them I hide myself in it. It’s my own world, population: me. I was the only one who I can count and trust on. Everyone outside that little house is evil. They’re bad. They’re mean. They’re harmful.
Come to think of it right now, it was my own misery. A misery that came too early but also reshaped who I am.
That’s why I always say although I was born in Taiwan, I was re-configured in Canada.
But things does get better afterward.
That was the decade overall.
Narrow it down to 2009.
First 6-month pretty much has been a misery too for different reason. I was technically “fired” or perhaps I “fire” myself because of argument with manager, who I still think I was stabbed in the back. Again, there were some issues that I will take responsibility for, but then, it was pretty much an excuse.
Although I wasn’t in the situation of “I’m not myself”, but then I put my doubts again. I was lost. I don’t know what happened. I hide myself in my apartment. And the day just go by without any accomplishment. The only “getaway” that made me forget everything was Los Angeles/San Francisco in February and Chicago in May.
In particular, the trip in LA and San Francisco. I asked myself, now that you don’t have a job, what’s holding you back? It’s the time to be 21 all over again.
I never had the chance to experience what it feels like to be 21. If I need to live over the excitement and different aspect of life, I need to change the environment. I need to move to somewhere else. Because the city doesn’t really give you any opportunity, or you simply missed that chance. Los Angeles was pretty much the obvious one because it’s where I felt like home or being parted of the “circle”. I’ve never been in a “circle” in Vancouver because everyone was so full of themselves. LA might be a superficial city, but whether your beautiful or ugly, you’re part of the “circle”, you’re part of the scene.
It’s an opportunity. Opportunities are everywhere as long as you hold on to it, because….
You, re-write, re-shape, what this city, community, scene is going to be.
You, re-write, re-shape, what your live is all about.
You, re-write, re-shape, what the adventure of live is so that it’s going to be on future generation’s textbook.
As the decade turns to an end…. As the year turns to an end…. And no matter how dumb I can be… And no matter if I fail the courses at school….
I am happy. I am living the life of what 21 is supposed to be, shallow or not.
It’s like once in your lifetime you get to experience it before it slips away.
Like 2009, or 2000s, once it slips away, it never comes back.
